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|They're Killing Us|
|Original Airdate||October 29, 1999|
|Written by||David Brownfield|
|Directed by||William Russ|
|Guest starring||Meagen Fay as Judy Habberfeld, Dayna Pryce as Java Girl|
|“||There’s no way we’re gonna make it until June. There’s just no way. I’d do something very bad to Eric. I will…||”|
PlotCory and Topanga talk about the issues that arose when planning their wedding in a documentary-style episode. They tell how they didn't know how difficult it would be. Cory shares that it's like riding a pogo stick through a mine field ("Boing... Boom! Boing... Boom!")
Their first problem was with the bridesmaid dresses. Topanga loves enormous, poofy pink dresses (that come with big, floppy hats and parasols). Angela and Rachel are less than thrilled. They try to convince Topanga that she is too emotional to make the decision. Morgan plain out hates the dress, and says as much. She refuses to wear it, and beats it with her parasol. Also, Topanga apparently decided on a southern belle wedding from Gone With the Wind (despite the fact that she's from Philadelphia) without telling Cory.
Of course, there were other problems as well. Topanga attempts to plan the honeymoon, but Cory gives no input on it. The only thing he cares about is sex, and he pretty much says so. Topanga is upset, but Cory points out (not so delicately) that she owes him after 17 years of nothing. And she agrees to call him "Don Francisco."
Also, the best man caused problems. Shawn tells Cory that he has no problems with Eric being the best man, but they both foresee that to be a big issue. They think he'll drop the rings down the minister's pants, go after them, knock down a candler, and set the hall on fire. As Cory talks to Eric, Eric decides to demonstrate the "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" dance to prove that he should be best man. Of course, he knocks down a candle and sets the dorm on fire in the process. So Cory decides that Shawn is the best man, but Alan and Amy have an issue with that. They demand that Eric be the best man, and Cory agrees, knowing they'll change their minds momentarily. To celebrate, Eric lights a sparkler, then throws it behind him because it is hot. As soon as the fire department arrives to extinguish Eric's flame, Cory's parents agree that Shawn is in.
And even more problems with dresses! Amy wants Topanga to wear her wedding dress, which is a musty old Civil War era dress that is hideous. Topanga doesn't have the heart to refuse, but Morgan has no problem complimenting the dress over and over to make Topanga miserable.
That's not even the most of their problems. Their wedding planner, Judy Habberfeld, speaks quickly and is a bit annoying. They have a wedding hall that can seat 65 booked for 270. Alan offered to pay for drinks and music, but the musicians available are undesirable. Alan's solution is getting Mr. Feeny's jazz band to do it for free, but Cory and Topanga aren't crazy about that idea. Shawn enters with Angela, Rachel and Morgan, and they each step forward and obviously lie about how much they love their dresses. Morgan doesn't not. She goes off on a tangent and Alan is forced to drag her away before she can say the word "ass". Bothered by not being the best man, Eric enters in a playboy robe. If he won't be the best man, he'd decided he's going to be the groom. He proposes to Topanga, who's been twitching for sometime. Topanga promptly tackles him with Cory's approval.
As the episode ends, Cory and Topanga complain about how the wedding planning and engagement has been so troublesome, and that they've decided to get married next week instead. It turns out that they were talking to everyone all along. Mr. Feeny asks them one question: "You’re gonna go through with it this time, aren’t you?"
(Morgan enters in another one of the hideous dresses, but stops at the railing above Topanga)
- Morgan: What are you, psycho?
- Topanga: Morgan! You look so beautiful!
- Morgan: We look like clowns!
- Angela: Beautiful clowns!
- Rachel: Cirque du Soleil clowns!
- Morgan:No, horn-honking, big-shoe-wearing clowns!
- Rachel: Honey…
- Morgan: Shut up. I ain’t wearin’ it.
- Topanga: Cut the crap. At least Morgan was honest. Well that’s it. If you guys can’t put on these dresses and get caught up in the magic of my southern belle wedding then… Who needs y’all?
- Morgan: You’re from Philadelphia, stupid!
- When this episode aired on Disney Channel the honeymoon suggestion and Cory's line, "Let me touch something!" was removed when this episode aired on The Disney Channel. Topanga yelling Bite me! at Morgan was also removed. When this episode reran on ABC Family the tag scene with Cory & Topanga inviting the audience to their wedding was removed and replaced with the usual closing credits from Seasons 5-7, although it has since been restored to its original ending.
- Cory and Shawn are both aware of the problems that would arise should Eric be the best man, despite Eric having been Feeny's best man in "State of the Unions". However, Cory and Topanga planned to marry in a church with a reception at a hall, while Feeny and Bolander got married at Amy and Alan's house. Also, Cory and Shawn bring up the scenario of Eric dropping the rings down the minister's pants and retrieving it with both hands, while Eric did not present rings for Feeny's wedding. Despite Cory and Topanga deciding to get married at the Matthews' home at the end of the episode like Feeny did, Eric's reckless arsonry in this episode meant that Shawn remained the best man.