|They're Killing Us|
|Original Airdate||October 29, 1999|
|Written by||David Brownfield|
|Directed by||William Russ|
|Guest starring||Meagen Fay as Judy Habberfeld, Dayna Pryce as Java Girl|
|“||There’s no way we’re gonna make it until June. There’s just no way. I’d do something very bad to Eric. I will…||”|
PlotEditIn a documentary-styled episode, Cory and Topanga discuss the issues that arose while planning their wedding. They tell how they didn't know how difficult it would be. Cory shares that it's like riding a pogo stick through a mine field ("BOOM! Boing... BOOM! Boing...")
Their first problem was with the bridesmaid dresses. Topanga is eager to see Rachel, Angela and Morgan in her choice of bridesmaids dress: they come out wearing Southern Belle-style dresses, enormous poofy pink gowns with big floppy hats and parasols. Angela and Rachel are less than thrilled and try to convince Topanga that she is too emotional to make the decision. Morgan flat out loathes the dress, and refuses to wear it, even beating it with her parasol yelling "Die, Dress! Die!!". It's revealed that Topanga decided on a Gone With the Wind (despite the fact that she's from Philadelphia) without telling Cory.
Of course, there were other problems as well. Topanga attempts to plan the honeymoon, but Cory gives no input on it. Topanga becomes upset when Cory indicates that the only thing he cares about is consummation, but then Cory coarsely points out that she owes him after 17 years of nothing, to which Topanga agrees; she also agrees to call him "Don Francisco".
The choice of best man was also an issue. Shawn tells Cory that he has no problems with Eric being the best man, but they both foresee that to be a big problem. They think he'll drop the rings down the minister's pants, go after them, knock down a candlier, and set the hall on fire. As Cory talks to Eric, Eric decides to demonstrate the "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" dance to prove that he should be best man; in the process, he knocks down a candle and sets a window curtain on fire. As firemen arrive (smashing through the door to put out the fire), Cory decides that Shawn is the best man, but Alan and Amy, not knowing what has already happened, have an issue with Cory's choosing Shawn over Eric. They demand that Eric be the best man, and Cory temporarily agrees, knowing they'll change their minds. To celebrate, Eric lights a sparkler, then tosses it away when it burns his fingers; the sparkler lands on the carpet behind the couch and another fire ensues. As the firemen extinguish the fire, Alan declares that Eric is out.
But even more problems arise with the choice of dresses. Amy wants Topanga to wear her own wedding dress, which is a hideous musty old gown descended from the Civil War era. Topanga doesn't have the heart to refuse, and Morgan takes delight in Topanga's misery and compliments the dress (echoing Topanga's exact same words), causing Topanga to lash out saying "Bite me!"
In an attempt to get things back under control, Cory and Topanga hire Judy Habberfeld, and uppity and somewhat annoying wedding planner who insists on being addressed by both her first and last name. They've invited 270 people to their reception, but the hall they have rented can only hold 65. Alan offers to pay for drinks and music, but the musicians (including an boozing elderly conductor and two Elvis impersonators on a marimba) are undesirable. Alan's solution is hiring Mr. Feeny and his jazz band to do it for free, but Cory and Topanga aren't crazy about that idea either. Shawn enters with Angela, Rachel and Morgan, all still wearing the southern belle gowns. Angela and Morgan each step forward and obviously lie about how much they love their dresses. Morgan then comes forward and reveals that Shawn paid them each $50 to lie, and Alan is forced to drag her away before she can finish saying "... and I wouldn't use this dress to wipe my ass!" Then, still bothered by not being the best man, Eric, accompanied by a reluctant Jack, enters wearing a smoking jacket; he declares that if he can't be the best man, he's going to be the groom instead. He proposes to Topanga, (who had developed a twitch in her left eye). Topanga promptly tackles him with Cory's approval.
As the episode nears its end, Cory and Topanga complain about how the wedding planning and engagement has been so troublesome, and that they've decided to get married next week instead. It turns out that they were talking to everyone all along. Mr. Feeny asks them one question: "You’re gonna go through with it this time, aren’t you?"
(Morgan enters in another one of the hideous dresses, but stops at the railing above Topanga)
Morgan: What, are you psycho?!
Topanga: Morgan! You look so beautiful!
Morgan: We look like clowns!
Angela: Beautiful clowns!
Rachel: Cirque du Soleil clowns!
Morgan: No, horn-honking, big-shoe-wearing clowns!
Morgan: Shut up. I ain’t wearin’ it.
Topanga: Cut the crap. At least Morgan was honest. Well that’s it. If you guys can’t put on these dresses and get caught up in the magic of my Southern Belle wedding then… Who needs y’all?
Morgan: You’re from Philadelphia, stupid!
- When this episode aired on Disney Channel the honeymoon suggestion and Cory's line, "Let me touch something!" was removed when this episode aired on The Disney Channel. Topanga yelling Bite me! at Morgan was also removed. When this episode reran on ABC Family the tag scene with Cory & Topanga inviting the audience to their wedding was removed and replaced with the usual closing credits from Seasons 5-7, although it has since been restored to its original ending.
- Cory and Shawn are both aware of the problems that would arise should Eric be the best man, despite Eric having been Feeny's best man in "State of the Unions". However, Cory and Topanga planned to marry in a church with a reception at a hall, while Feeny and Bolander got married at Amy and Alan's house. Also, Cory and Shawn bring up the scenario of Eric dropping the rings down the minister's pants and retrieving it with both hands, while Eric did not present rings for Feeny's wedding. Despite Cory and Topanga deciding to get married at the Matthews' home at the end of the episode like Feeny did, Eric's reckless arsonry in this episode meant that Shawn remained the best man.